Guest Blogger: Diana Claire Douglas

Basic teachings of Systemic Constellation Work include the “natural orders” of belonging, balance and rank, based on living system principles. These are called “Orders of Love” in family constellations.  Finding and being in one’s right place comes when each of these orders are satisfied. And we do this starting with our family system.

Belonging: are we securely attached to our parents or is there an interrupted movement with our mothers and then fathers? If the latter, there is a gap and we fill this gap often by making ourselves “bigger” than our parents, and therefore we are not in our right place.

Balance of give and take: parents give and children take. Children show they have been able to take from their parents (no matter how they parented) when they can give to their own children. If we reject, criticize, judge our parents, we have not been able to “take” them in and therefore we are rejecting Life as it has come to us. We are not in our place in the flow of Life.  In adult relationships, there needs to be a balance in the flow of give and take between two people. (For me there is a difference between “receive” and “take.” We can receive something and still not take it in and embody it.)

Rank: who comes first, is first. Grandparents come before parents who come before children etc. First children come before second children. Miscarriages, still births, abortions also belong to the family system. Let’s say there are 1 miscarriage followed by 3 living children.  The miscarriage is #1 and the living children follow as #2, #3, #4. If the miscarriage is not acknowledged, #2 will think she is #1 and not be in her right place.

When we are not in our right place within our families, Life does not flow smoothly and we will see the impact of this in how we are in our relationship with the world, work etc., etc. We may be always “searching for our place”.

Another way to look at Place!